Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Homesick? or sick of Japan?

Today was by far the hardest day since moving to Japan. I have no words to describe it other than I'm constantly going uphill whether it's in the classroom and I'm baffled at how to help my kids "get it" or discovering that my prize find of sour cream in the grocery store has the consistency of cream cheese (smells and tastes like sour cream but sure doesn't look it...TRAUMA!) Even the weather is something to deal with - sweating, oily face, crazy hair...I feel so high maintenance sometimes! Or even the fact that we live in a wood box encased in cement feels strange. I don't know how to express how I'm feeling other than I'm sad today. It's been kind of building and subsiding over the last two months and I think last night I just couldn't hold it together anymore. Yes, Alison was felled by a container of sour cream...just the straw that broke the camel's back really. And yes I KNOW, I can do this, and I KNOW I'm going to be fine, and I KNOW God is with me through all things, and I KNOW that people love and support me....BUT this is possibly the hardest thing I've ever done - I'm not giving up (Adrienne won't let me...nor will my sense of commitment) I think I'm just finding that my prayer life is being put to very good use. :) I don't know that I've ever known a continuous prayer life before this, but this has brought me to me knees. I know this is a reason to add to my list of "why I'm in Japan" and I keep telling myself that growing is hard and painful and I am becoming the woman I am supposed to be. (Sarah...you're in my head!) I will be thankful each day for this experience and all that it holds. I continue to try and find small things to hold onto...today's were:
1. Adrienne made me a funny video on smilebox
2. Steak on base - Lori and I had the 2 for 1 dinner so it was affordable!
3. Adrienne and I splurged on hot chocolate at Starbucks and read for an hour..."the envelope" AKA our food budget paid for us and we decided that we may need to make it a more often treat so that neither of us have a complete mental breakdown trapped in our wood box
4. It got cool and windy - I got to wear a sweatshirt and jeans to Starbucks!!!
5. The bugs appear to be gone :)

I feel like this experience has been one big roller coaster but it is making me incredibly thankful for everything I left behind...makes me want to never complain about how fortunate we are and how much I take for granted when I'm home. I think it's also kinda funny how much I've treated this as my journal here (not that I've ever journaled but you know!)...just know these are my inside thoughts, I'm not asking for advice or encouragement that this will get better...I know that, I just need to get to the point where I feel that on the inside and I'm realizing that I can't depend on people for that...it's between God and I. I'm sharing my inside thoughts...it's helping me process (slowly!) So thank you to all of you wonderfully supportive people for your emails and comments (yes Cheryl, you do comment, I didn't mean you...stop feeling guilty) and letters and packages and prayers and thoughts - miss and love you all!


Sarah said...

So this is not a note of encouragement... nor a you can do it speech... in fact, you go ahead and be crabby...you and God can process through it all you like... this is just a note to say "nice entry" and I love you "bug girl!"... you and your sweater ... smile!

Aimee said...

I am glad you are working through everything. There really isn't a lot that others can say that will make you feel better anyway. You will come out on the other side!

Anonymous said...

Your suggestion of trying the freezer food place was simply genius.. I just finished a FANTASTIC dinner and it didn't even break the bank!!!!!

I am in your debt for each of these meals this month...


Cheryl said...

I'm so proud of you and your journey to Japan and listening to God! Know that you are in my prayers and thoughts many times a day! I love you! :)